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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?