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You`re only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.