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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?