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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
It’s not pretty being easy.