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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Does this status update make me look fat?
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.