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So many rules; so little time to break them.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.