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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*