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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Velcro is a ripoff
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.