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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?