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My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.