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If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.