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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I just threw up my weekend.