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why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.