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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.