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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)