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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`