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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.