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Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.