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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
I`m having an out of money experience.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.