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I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!