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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.