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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted