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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.