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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
Your personality needs alcohol.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye