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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.