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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.