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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I give myself the best presents.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.