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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you