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My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in