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Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
A leaf blower, but for people.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.