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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.