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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?