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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone