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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?