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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.