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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
“I saw that.” -Karma
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!