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Finally 21 and now legally able to do things which i have been doing since 15….
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.