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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....