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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.