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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug