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My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!