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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.