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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!