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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Another funny thing about this status is when you finally realize that it talks about nothing? its all ready too late to stop reading. lol
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!