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The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Don`t believe everything you think.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
There is no time to check time
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point