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Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.