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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.