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I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
More people should be at a loss for words.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.