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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.