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Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media