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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?